Friday, March 11, 2011

Thinking about Home

and all that that means.

With the Chief still waiting to hear what is happening with his extension, we've been talking about what could happen and what we'd like to happen.

If you had asked me in my free and childless twenties what and where home was, I'd give you an odd look and say something like 'wherever I hang my hat'. I don't think I really knew back then, nor did I waste a moment pondering it. It didn't seem to be back in the States, having chose to move away it felt less like home with every passing year, though I missed and still miss my family there terribly. But the place wasn't home, the people were.

And then I chose Scotland, chose the Chief and chose to stay. Chose the mortgage, the allotment, the kids and all their various ties to place. I decorated the home, chose schools for the kids, put down roots. I was settled. S E T T L E D - it still seems like a heavy, clunky, tie-you-down with no choices word.

I always said that kids wouldn't tie me down, that you could still pick up your life and move about. And in the back of my mind that was still the dream, that we'd go to Italy or someplace romantic and the kids would just come along. The reality of having kids is a little heavier and less portable, as the boys got older, the dream seemed less realistic. It became a more of a tuck in your diary sort of dream.

And then Finland came along, sprang unexpectedly from a long lean winter. It was the dream and it sparkled and inticed and we found that you can pick up a life, even with little 'uns, and move it. Pack your life in a few suitcases and start fresh. It wasn't as easy as when we were 25, 30, but it could be done.

We've found a foothold here, adapted, learned, accepted Finland. But it's different and I can't pin exactly how or why. The language is a mountain I daily struggle with, but it's not that. I have friends here. Ok, not tons, but I'm not a gregarious soul and a few bosom friends is enough for me. I have my baby groups and things to do, I have my photography class as a start of something for me. Mouse has a school he is happy with, Foo has his outlets for his unstoppable energy. We have figured out the health care system, I think, found most of what we need to make a life. But is it Home?

The Chief has applied for jobs in England while waiting for news, would that be more like home? A similar language, nearer to family. I honestly don't know, but can't imagine us in England-shire. If my Clan pick up an English accent, there would be deaths.

Glasgow felt like home, no doubt. It wasn't the house, but more than the people (though I love you all and miss you so much). Finland offers a great (if expensive) lifestyle for us and the kids, but is it enough to become home?

I am happy here, but there's always that nagging doubt that life is going on without me, back home.

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